It’s him, it is really him. Unbeknownst to my abuser, the trauma is part of the reason I emotionally and ravenously eat. I blame myself for the abuse. How could I be so vulnerable and naïve, to be taken advantage of by a man as a pubescent girl? Why didn’t I love me more? I want closure, but nothing has changed in the situation except my position in Christ, which is all that I need.

 

God, please teach me to accept the pain triggered by the abuse

When I attack myself, I am perpetuating the misuse

The mishandling of your delicate soul

The abuser becomes the victim because God is in control

 

After all these years, I am gaining clarity on one of the reasons I overeat. To nullify the pain that I inflict on myself with those penetrating “why” questions. I need healing for sure. The beautiful thing is that I am not alone. I was just a kid. I tolerated the depravity in an attempt to fill the void left by Dad’s absenteeism. The beautiful thing is that I am not alone. I refuse to carry this bitterness and grief another decade. I release  Dad, the abuser, and myself, thus ending this vicious cycle of blame-shame-guilt. Today, tearfully, in Jesus name, I AM FREE!  I cannot change what happened to me. What I will do is empower those who share similar voids and have attempted to fill them erroneously. More often than not to our detriment, we subject ourselves to the unthinkable because of the gaping deficiency we often feel inside. The beautiful thing is that I am not alone.

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Jesus, thank you for filling the hollowness

Healing the wounds, making me clean, as I confess

Teaching me to stop punishing me

Now I am delivered, matured spiritually

In your holiness, you call me good

I am redeemed, reborn, reclaimed; understood

Using my scars to draw the wounded to you

Eating pain and shame, I vow to no longer do

Robbed of my innocence, yet victorious in Jesus name

The abused triumphs, life will never the same

– Lady Jay

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