Life as a runaway and harlot, reflected my self-worth, or the lack thereof. I wasn’t desperate for money, drugs (initially), or gifts. I wanted approval. Similarly, to many women who grew up sans dad, I had an insatiable desire to be validated by a man. Consequently, sex became my replacement for love. Ages ago, I was not aware of God’s unfailing love for me, His complete acceptance of me, and my value in Him.
The issue started with my self-rejection. Whenever a man accepted my flaws, the corns on my feet, my gut, and whatnot, I was his. Those basic needs governed my every step. Approval, Acceptance, and Validation, even when it was based on the exchange for my flesh, confirmed that my life was worth living. Needless to say, today I struggle with self-acceptance, receiving my God given forgiveness and love, and not equating sex with love.
This blog, is me naked. I must admit that my previous blogs contained a degree of safety, and self-protection. I intellectualized my feelings to prevent from experiencing the vulnerability associated with being naked in public. NO MORE! Consider this my informed consent, to expose my pain to give God room to heal, set free, and deliver.
When I ran away, at about age 12, I was with men double and tripled my aged. I did not realize it then, but they were pedophiles. All that mattered to me was that they paid me attention, which in turn made me feel special. When my peers called me ugly and fat, I felt ugly and fat. When my dad did not pay me attention I felt worthless and devalued. When men twice my senior wanted to be with me sexually, I felt loved.
As I reveal my pain, I am being healed. Today, as a strong woman of God, I rebuke the spirit of perversion that plagued me the majority of my life. In actuality, my goal was not to be “loose” or excessively promiscuous, I just wanted to feel valued and loved. Currently, I am able to accept and walk in God’s love; however, I still struggle with loving myself, being confident in myself, and forgiving myself.
It is my earnest prayer that the 12-year-old girl who struggles with the same feelings as I, be encouraged. I desire for the woman with the painful memories of self-degradation, and the accompanying shame and guilt find hope in Jesus.
Broken, open, and on fire for Christ!